Well, this is pretty much straight from an email I sent Bill. It explains everything:
How's by you? this is Eric. It's sunday night, and i'm just kind of sitting here, you know, not doing math or spanish homework. I'm not sure if you still use or check this email adress, since I got it from the peer counselor list, but what the hell, right?
Anyway, you're someone I can talk to, and I probably should have just gone out to eat with you after med show practice today and talked about this then, but I was sort of in a weird mood then...which i guess i'm still in, but i had a chance to think about it.
Anyway (again), I went to prom with Megan, which you know, and we had a pretty good time. However, being the white guy that I am, I have no rhythm, and being that this was also the first dance, school or otherwise, I had been to since 8th grade (which obviously wasn't a real dance, they just called it that), I had no concept of the moves that comprised a dance nowadays, and the floor was too crowded to try and fool around and do a bad break-dancing sort of thing. I wasn't exactly master of the slow dance either, but I could pull off just stepping from side to side in a slowly revolving circle.
Time to break up the monotony of the real problem:
At the afterprom, Steve Solomon and Tim (last name slipped my mind, but they're always hanging out) took Beth Willhoite up on stage and sung "You've lost that loving feeling" to her. They were so off-key.
Back to main theme:
So I was there, not really dancing, just sort of talking with Kyle, because he couldn't dance either, and I look over and Megan's freak-dancing (Is that the right term? I don't know) with Adam Blandford (who I despise for some reason I can't really explain even to myself). I wasn't really angry, because we had just gone as friends, and if she wanted to dance, she should dance. But I got some feeling in the pit of my stomach that I still can't figure out, but the closest I can place it is jealousy.
But jealous for what? The fact that he could dance and I couldn't? There's actually better odds than it sounds, but that didn't exactly seem like the answer. And then it was like...do I have feelings for Megan? I mean, I think she's attractive and all, but I had always forbid myself from actually getting deep like that, because I don't see it working out in any way. Then I remember something I must have subconciously blocked out or something, that happened a couple of weeks ago when I was walking through the hallway, and I saw Megan talking and laughing with some guy I didn't even know, and I kind of got the same feeling: not jealousy per se, but something like it. That just sort of confirmed the fact that nothing could work out between us, because even in the small chance that she would be up for it, I get some form of jealousy even when I'm not sure if I even like her like that, so if we started in some sort of a relationship, I would undoubtedly screw it up.
Then we went to after prom, and megan said that she wouldn't mind if I went and hung out with Steve or Kyle (she doesn't get along well with some of the people Steve hangs out with). I caught up with some other people I knew, so I went and talked to them, and Megan just sort of went on. So the rest of the night I just sort of walked around between a couple groups of people I knew, and it was then that I realized how I never really fit in with any crowd, and had a suprisingly good time on my own. It was one crowd was too hyper, one was okay until they started talking about getting drunk, I was good friends with 2 people in one group, but the rest were a little too religious for me. But it was cool just walking around with no purpose and just saying "hey" to people I recognized in the hall.
Anyway, I decided to walk around and look for Megan around 4:00, and I ran into Mike Brown who said he saw her sleeping on bleachers in the gym. So I found her, woke her up, and asked if she wanted to leave. After some talk, she said yeah, but she had to find Lindsay Simpson, because she was going to come back to Megan's house with me and her date, and spend the night. So we found them at this big blow-up twister game, and we were getting ready to talk with them, when Steve and Tim's girlfriends came up and told me about the aforementinoed karaoke situation. So I did that and walked back, and who was gound sprawling over Megan...of course, Adam Blandford. It was, from what I gathered, not a sexual thing, but one of those fooling-around friend things that I totally can't pull off. Nevertheless, there was that feeling again. I hung around for a while, not really sure if she saw me or not, but then I just left to walk around some more.
So door prizes and crap were awarded, and then it was time to go. Lindsay was tired and so was her date, and I was in that weird kind of mood, so I really didn't want to be alone with Megan, so I said I would go over to Steve's house. Then when I thought about it, I really wasn't up for the whole hyper scene, so I just decided to go home. By the time we were driving back, it was raining pretty hard, so I pretty much had to jump right out of Megan's car and into mine, so I didn't even get a good night hug or anything, which was just the extra turd on the shit pile. I came home, and was the most confused and depressed I'd been in a long time. And then everyone was asking "did you have a good time at prom?" and I just said "yeah, it was good" because i don't really have a good relationship with my parents. I get along okay with my mom, we don't fight or anything, but I just can't talk with her about stuff. And as for my dad...after someone calls you worthless for some 8 to 10 years of your life, even if her thought it was in a joking manner, you get some underlying animosity for him. Megan asked me if I had fun a couple of times, and I couldn't very well say to her face "no, while you were having fun i was having some sort of internal struggle."
Well, I just rambled on for the good part of 30 minutes, and I still can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Even if I was sure I had feelings for Megan, it's sure as hell not healthy to be jealous of her for just laughing it up with other guys. Anyway, I just sort of wanted to tell someone, and I can trust you and feel more comfortable talking to you than I do with someone like Kyle. Nothing against Kyle, he's actually going through something like this himself, but...I guess as horrible as this sounds, it seems like Kyle is overall more comfortable with who he is than we are. Kyle would just be like "dude, you should go for it" and I'd just be sitting here thinking "kyle, you just don't get it." (This blue part added on later) Because for me, falling in love with Megan would be like falling in love with Marilyn Monroe. (I don't consider her the most beautiful woman, but a lot of people do) The bottom line: she's UNattainable. Or, for someone more recent, let's say...Elizabeth Hurley...or someone else. The point is, I would be falling in love with someone that I could never get with, and then I would just sit there and be miserable, and become even more screwed up than I already am.
Anyway (I sure say that a lot), write me back if you want, or we get together some time and talk, and you could think of stuff you're going through or whatever. Or you might not get this letter for a month or two, but i would still at least have gotten some of my angst out by writing it down. If I weren't so lazy, I might start a journal. Come to think of it, I've probably written more in this one e-mail than I've written in the past 4 months. Anyway, talk to you later.