As you remember from last time, AJ reappeared with a strong odor and an awesome videotape.  Grant and I thoroughly enjoyed it, and AJ had a meeting with Stephen Spielberg the next day to talk about the movie.

Well, AJ's meeting with Stephen Spielberg couldn't have gone any better.  He came home screaming "I sold the tape! I sold the tape!"   When we asked when we would see it in theaters, he acted confused.  Then he informed us that the Stephen Spielberg he met with was his bookie, and that the tape had paid off his debt.  

Well, after I broke an electricity orb, our landlord started charging us rent.  I had to get a job at Krogers, the most evil, disgusting store ever.  So far I have said, "Is plastic alright?" 700 times, and "Have a nice day" 1000 times.  Grant has been earning money by winning RIFTS tournaments and hustling people in volleyball games.  After seeing "Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo" AJ tried to be an escort for a while, but quit in the middle of his first job.  He is currently unemployed, loafing off of me and Grant. 

We all decided to go to Grant's parent's house, because we couldn't afford any food. (AJ kept ranting about the lack of habenero)  His mom and dad were like "Hey Grant, welcome home.  Aren't you going to introduce us to your kidnappers?"  I was like "Oh, funny"  AJ herded us into the basement, and we watched Airheads and played ping-pong.  Then we had pizza.  At a particularly funny moment, I dropped my slice of pepperoni pizza on Grant's parent's carpet.  Instead of facing up to it, I ran home and started counting how many individual letters were in the dictionary.  Grant and AJ returned home around 1,000,000 (okay, so I counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 700,000, 999,999, 1,000,000)  Grant said not to worry about it, but he sounded kind of funny when he said it.

Well, I was walking on the street, looking for any unusual phenomenon, when I came upon my bud Brian.  We were all like "Wuz up?" and stuff.  He told me he had been kicked out of his house for accidentally dropping his sister's dog out the window.  7 times.  While he used a video camera to record it.  I said he could chill with us until he gets a job, so in he came.

The thing is, Brian is allergic to dust and crap like that, so he couldn't sleep on the floor.  And since we only had 3 beds, one of us would have to give up ours.  I quickly yelled "ICALLMYBED!" much to the dismay of Grant and AJ.  Grant said to AJ "The bed is yours if you answer me these questions 3."  AJ was like "Sure, whatever."

"What is your name?"

"AJ Flickert-Hepstein"

"What is your quest?"

"I want to become a famous director/baseball player"

"What...is the best way to win at Starcraft?"

"Starcraft...uh...First you...uh...put in the invincibility code?"

Grant's face went red with anger, and he backsmacked AJ so hard that AJ flew across the room that he smacked into the punching bag and was in a coma for 3 weeks.  When he came out, he realized that he would have to sleep on the floor.   So we got some blankets and he was set.

Then, in the middle of the night, I awoke to the sound of a chainsaw.  I thought JEEZ!  SOMEONE IS TRYING TO HACK ME UP INTO LITTLE PIECES!   I ran screamed and waving my arms around until I got upstairs.  I found Grant drinking a cup of coffee and reading So You Decided to Live with a Director, a Slacker, and a Spiky-Haired Guy Who Likes to Say "Your Mom".  He said AJ had fallen asleep before him, and that he hadn't gotten any sleep.  He said that he wouldn't stand it for one night longer, and pointed to an L shaped bulge in his pocket.   A barrel with a handle.  He started to go back downstairs when I realized he had a gun!  What should I do?  I don't want to get shot by Grant, but I can't let AJ get killed!  Even if his snoring does sound like a live badger in a garbage compactor!  And Brian...well...he's there too!  What to do??!!


Well, Grant was walking downstairs to kill AJ. I got up from my chair and proceeded to run to the basement stairs.  Unfortunately, I tripped over my feet and tumbled down the stairs, just as Grant was taking aim at AJ.  The shot went astray and landed inches from AJ's face, lifting a pile of dust. (I swear, the guy can sleep through anything)  He inhaled this dust, and magically stopped snoring!   It was a miracle!

Well, I quit Krogers because it sucked.  End of that section of the story.

So we all went to King's Island to ride the Son of Beast, but found out that it had been blown over by a fat person farting.  We decided to walk around heckling people instead.  Grant saw a large person walking around, and said "You must weigh more than a JUICER!!"  The person started to retaliate, but Brian quickly yelled "YOUR MOM!" sending the person to the ground, breathing heavily.

Then we heard someone say "You guys are so lame you can't....no wait, you don't....I mean....DAMMIT, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY LINE!"  We turned around to see a King's Island employee reading out of a script that had something to do with Julia Dark.  He then threw the script over his shoulder and said "Egh, fuck it."  We were like "Hey, your boots suck."

He responded "Bitch.  The British Army wears them.   If they're good enough for them, they're good enough for Jordan Kofron."

And I was like "Yeah, and we kicked the British's asses in the Revolutionary War!"  We all high-fived on this one and a good laugh was had by all but Jordan.  We left him as he was stuttering "Do you know what crack cocaine is?  It....it....uhhh....shit."  He then ran back trying to find his script in vain.  What I didn't realize was that I accidentally dropped one of my cards (I always keep a pocketful for the lucious ladies...or for when I have to call home and can't remember the number)  Jordan picked this up and began to laugh " MU HU HU, MWA HA HA, HYEA HE....uh...ho?  DAMMIT, what's my line?"

Later that day we were playing strip poker with seven lovely ladies...alright, watching Strip Poker on USA...alright, eating strips of bacon while playing poker...aagh, forget it, we were throwing fireplace pokers into strips of grass we ripped from our lawn...okay, the neighbor's lawn.  Anywho, the phone started to ring.   I picked it up, and Jordan's voice said "How do you like this, mother fucker?   Now until the break of day, Through the house each fairy stray to the best bridebed will we, Which......which...."

"By us will blessed be?" I asked.

"Dammit Bitch"

"And the issue there create, Ever shall be fortunate" I continued.

"Go to Hell!"

"So shall all the couples three, ever true in loving be."

"I'm going to get you, you piece of shit"

"Trip away, make no stay, meet me all by break of day" I finished.  I then heard the sound of Jordan's phone slamming down.

Later on, AJ decided to make a movie on Vietnam.  I myself received the prestigious role of Nixon, because "I am not a crook" (Jowls flop around maniacally)  We had recently seen a play called "The Front Page" and there was this one guy who was a really funny hypochondriac.  AJ thought it would be good to diversify his actors, so he thought maybe he could get this guy to be in the movie.  We looked in the program to see who it was, and it was Jordan Kofron!   It seemed he had some sort of grudge against me, but I wasn't receptive enough to pick it up, so we called him, and after thinking about it for a while, he agreed.

He came over the next day to start filming.  He seemed happy to be acting, so we put our differences aside.  In fact, me and him started finding that we could make up pretty funny scenes together.  The only problem was, I was Nixon, and he was a flower child, so AJ started to get mad at us for not being serious.   Eventually, Brian and Grant started getting mad at us too.

One day I showed up for rehearsal, and Jordan was the only one there.  I asked where everyone was, and he revealed that it had been his plan to make me lose all my friends.  I was shocked!  I kicked him in the testicles, but then his posse, consisting of three seniors known as Mindy, Joe, and Angie, came to his side to help fight.  Then my posse, Grant, AJ, and Brian, stepped around the house and explained they had heard it all.  So there we were, face to face.  Jordan claimed he was going to kick my ass with his English boots, and I charged.  To find out what happens, watch for the next episode?  Will Jordan's posse win?  Did Jordan secretly already gain support of my posse?  Will I be able to make another joke about Jordan not remembering his lines?  Only time will tell.


Last time we left, AJ, Brian, Grant, and I were staring down the dastardly Jordan Kofron, and his posse of Joe, Mindy, and Angie.  AJ was cracking his knuckles, I was glaring at Jordan, Brian was looking at his watch (he had to go work at the old folk's home in an hour), and Grant was writing his grocery list (which consisted of chips and salsa).  Then Jordan, realizing he couldn't beat me, waved his hand, and his posse dissolved and went their separate ways.  Jordan through me a CD-R and left.  I checked it out later and it had a bunch of sweet MP3s on it.

Well, one day, when I slept in particularly late, Grant and AJ went out and bought a game called Everquest.  They started playing it, and became addicted.  I don't really get the game, all you do is go online and trade/buy stuff.   The game doesn't seem to have a point, and when I asked AJ about it he said "Don't ask if there's a point."

We decided (AJ, Grant, and me, since Brian had to work) to go see X-Men a few days ago.  But when we got there, they were sold out.  We were like "Dagnabbit, these young whippersnappers and their '8 tracks,' and their 'automobiles,' and their 'motion pictures.'  In our day you could get a shave and a haircut, catch the newsreel, and buy yourself a sassafras for a nickel."  This was our vain attempt to sound older (I'm 16, and Grant and AJ are 15, so we couldn't see an R movie)  The ticket girl was like "I'm sorry sirs, that you had to live through that whole WW1 and WW2 thing, and on top of that X-Men is sold out.  Perhaps you would like to see Scary Movie (rated R)."  We tried to keep from giving away our real ages, and we were like "Uh, okay.  But if we don't like it, we'll take our belts to your backside."  We got in, and that was THE SICKEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!  They had many attractive girls, so you assumed there would be a lot of woman nudity, but there was none!  Plus, they showed the male member twice, and showed the...uh...family jewels, hanging disgustingly low.  It was gross!

So, at one point in the movie, a gym teacher (transvestite) uncrosses his legs, and out fall a low hanging pair of the grossest-looking balls you've ever seen (even if you are a prostitute).  And when we got back, Grant started teasing me and AJ by using any object he could to re-create the scene: phones, peaches, Playstation controllers (okay, that was my idea).  I finally said "Grant stop it!" to which he replied "You wanna touch it?" (referring to the phone he was using to re-create the scene, not the actual thing, he's not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, and I'm not gay either).  I said "Grant, that movie sucks, and so does Everquest."

I immediately realized my mistake.  AJ and Grant stopped laughing, and glared at me, then began advancing.  I was sweating profusely, and started stuttering.

 "You.....yu...yu...g...g...guys...d...d..don't...s..sc..scare..m...m...me" I managed to get out.  But they kept coming.  Was this my fatal mistake?   When was Brian getting back?  Why do they like Everquest anyway?


The last entry ended with Grant and AJ advancing on me for I had done the unforgivable: I had insulted their precious Everquest.  Brian was still out working, so I had no one to back me up.  Grant picked up the bowl of salsa he had been eating and threatened to throw it in my eyes.  A.J. picked up one of Grant's tortilla chips and made a similar threat, menacingly.  I stopped myself from defecating, and had an epiphany: We still hadn't seen the X-Men movie!  I snapped my fingers on my left hand, which I held away from my body, and managed to temporarily distract Grant.  Before he could realize what was going on, I blurted out "LET'sGoSEeX-MEN!"  Grant looked thoughtfully at his bowl of salsa, and grudgingly took the chip from A.J. and used it to pick up all the salsa, and then proceeded to eat it.  We called Movie Phone, and we went to see it.  Grant was like "Wait a minute, weren't we mad at Eric?"  I waved my hand (not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi) and said smoothly "You weren't mad at me.  You think I'm a nice guy."  They repeated monotonously "We weren't mad at you.  You are a good guy."  Then we went to the movie, which was good.

We got home late, after driving by a certain teacher's house (let's call her Patricia B...no that's too obvious...let's call her P. Bitchtessa...No, Mrs. Bitchtessa) and egging it.  Grant wasn't familiar with the teacher, but that didn't stop him from throwing 5 eggs.  When we got back, Brian was sitting at the table, drinking fruit punch in a wineglass.  He said "Where have you guys been?   I've been worried sick!  You didn't leave a note or anything!" We were like "We just went and saw X-Men."  Brian was like "Why didn't you wait for me!  I wanted to go!"  We were like "Settle down, Brianna, we didn't know when you'd be back."  Brian was like "Great, I come home from a day of hosing down old folks, and I get this news!  I'm out there everyday, cleaning up fecal waste, while you guys sit around and do nothing!  Well, I'M SICK OF IT!!   I'M MOVING OUT!

We were shocked! Without Brian, there was no way we could afford to pay the rent.  Grant hadn't been playing Rifts in a while, so we had no money saved.  But Grant, being the stubborn one, cried "Fine we don't need you!" as Brian closed the door.  A.J. and I proceeded to smack Grant in the back of the head.  We then pulled out the wanted ads.  Grant found a job picking beans and he said "This won't be so bad."  Me and A.J. looked at each other and snickered, and said "Sure Grant, it wouldn't be so bad."  A.J. and I found jobs as janitors at a recording studio.

So, one day, as we were slopping the toilets at the recording studio, some executives came in.  We were listening to our CD that we made, so we didn't immediately realize anyone had come in.  I was spinning around to dump the dirty toilety water into the sink, and I bumped into the President of the company, and spilled the slur all over him.  He said "Boy, what's the matter with you?"   I was about to wet my pants, when he took off my headphones.  "Boy, what are you listening to?"  He listened to our Sammy track for a while, and started laughing his ass off.  He said "This stuff is hilarious!  Who did this stuff?"  I was like "Me and that guy over there (pointing to A.J.) did it in my basement."  He was like "I wanna give you guys a full two album deal."  We were like "Up top!  Very nice..ORMPH (at this point the president slapped us in the face)."  He accused us of grabbing his ass, but we denied the accusations.

We went home and found Grant, asleep on the couch.  We were like "Have fun picking beans?"  He muttered something like "Bitch, promised to pay me $7 an hour.....worked for 6 hours...... received $4 in half-dollars."  We cracked up, and fell to the floor, grasping our arms and complaining of chest pains.  After we regained consciousness, we informed Grant of our sweet deal.  Of course, he was asleep at the time.  

Finally, we were going to get some real money.  Will Grant get another job?  Will Brian come back?  Will our CD go platinum?  Will Grant and A.J. ever remember how I insulted Everquest?  We'll have to wait and see.


Last time, AJ and me were stoked because a record executive promised us a two-album deal for our comical tracks.  We walked into the studio the next day, and we told the secretary our situation.  She looked sympathetic, and told us that the man we were talking of was the President, but liked to play tricks like this on no-talent idiots.  We were skeptical, but then we saw him lead in Mr. T and Starland Vocal Band and MC Hammer, so we knew it was true.  We hung our heads, and proceeded to swab the toilets.

When we got home, we found that Grant had been fired from his bean-picking job (something about smuggling green beans to Mexico or something)  We asked what he would do to pay for stuff now, and he said he had "acquired" (stolen) a trick dice for RIFTS, and with it he could win any game.  We were like "Yeah, that's great.  We scrub explosive diarrhea out of toilets, while you roll your little baby dice and make money all easy like.  Sounds fair."  Then we described the idea of irony to Grant, and said that we wanted in.  He got all excited and had to sit down for a while.  AJ and I then went through the most intense week ever, and I only remember Grant repeatedly telling us to "Cut him a switch.   Forget to roll your dice....that's a beatin'.  Forget your character's EXP points....that's a beatin'."  And so forth.  In the beginning, AJ was resistant.  The first time Grant told AJ to cut him a switch, AJ told Grant " No, no, no, f*** that!  Nobody cuts any switched until I decide to roll the dice.   I want some hot chocolate.  You want me to cut you a switch, I wanna see some g**dam hot chocolate!  And some pecan f***in' pie!"  Grant was like "Swearing four times...that's four beatin's."  AJ eventually relented, and the next week we were viciously lacerated, but we understood how to play RIFTS.

The next week there was a RIFTS contest (how convenient, huh?   Sort of like it's too perfect, and that someone just made it up to put in a story.   But I didn't do it.  You callin' me a liar, boy?  Cut me a switch....DAAH!  Bad memories)  Grant went to the master circle, but we said we weren't ready.  We were walking toward the beginner section, when we stopped.   AJ was like "Dude, I'd rather be swabbing toilets."  I agreed with him wholeheartedly, so we turned around and went home, to watch some TV.  I guess Grant ended up winning, what with his cheating dice and all, but then he realized we took the car.  Grant Simpson was like "Consarn it!  Wait, I just gotta calm down and think of ragtime piano tunes."  The other Grant Simpson, the one with a reoccurring role in our story, was like "I'll get you guys.   Muhahahaha..(cough)."  (He then farted....Grant, I'm putting it in the story...Come on Grant, it's not like that many girls our age read this story...YOUR MOM TOO!)

Grant came home and yelled at us.  We didn't get the hint he was in a bad mood, so we informed him that he had missed the series finale of Friends, and that it would never be aired again.  He was about to blow his top, so he went outside and cut two switches and beat us.  AJ was like "I'm gonna get him back" and I was like "Yeah, because he's probably so tired from..BEATING US MERCILESSLY."   But then we had an idea.  So we played Hungry Hungry Hippos for 3 hours.   Then we had a good idea, and we called up the guys who ran the RIFTS tournament, and told them that Grant had been using a rigged dice.  The guy was outraged, because he had also been using a rigged dice and had lost to Grant.  They came, and took Grant's winnings, and banned him from playing RIFTS for 4 weeks.   Grant was a kind of smart guy, so he came to the conclusion that we had ratted him out.  He went out to get some switches, but all the trees were branchless, and, as hard as he tried, he couldn't extricate a whole tree from the ground.  So, he vowed to get me and AJ back.  I know, because I was standing right behind him.  He turned around, and jumped when he saw me.  Then he screamed "I'm gonna get both of you!"

And man, he was mad.  How is he going to "get" us?   Will AJ and I be able to get our cushy...I mean, squishy janitor jobs back?   What will Grant be doing in the next four weeks?  Is Brian coming back?   Tune in next time.


As you remember, Grant was pissed at me and AJ for ratting him out to the RIFTS officials and losing all his money.  AJ and I had quit our janitorial jobs to try and play RIFTS, but we sucked at it, so we crawled back,   begging for our jobs back.  Unfortunately, they had already filled our positions with a little blue circle called "Ty-D-Bowl."

Normal people would have mad, but AJ and I were far from normal.   We went home and made a movie, with the help of one of those cameras that sits on top of your monitor, about a guy (AJ) who gets sucked into the computer, and his skeptical friend (me) turns off the computer.  We called it 404: Fatal Error and I edited it, and AJ found some sound effects.   AJ was so pleased with the effects that he held up the local Best Buy and "borrowed" a JVC digital camcorder.  Grant was still mad at us, so we tried to make a peace offer to him by letting him have the most lines in the next movie we made. (Actually, we just couldn't remember the lines, so we threw them on him).  The result: Eyeball: Corner Socket, a brilliant movie edited by myself.  (You can learn more about these by clicking on the "Our Movies" link on my front page).  After that, we were cool with Grant again.

Well, Brian stopped by to see how we were doing.  It turned out that working in a retirement home with the elderly for so long had caused him to go insane, so he ran away from the mental hospital and came back to live with us.  He kept muttering "Strained peas, strained zucchini, strained chicken, everything was strained...."  We let him sleep in the closet.

Well, I could tell from the beginning that something was wrong with Brian.  He started talking in this really deep and weird-sounding voice, and he said he was the devil.  When a girl scout knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to make a donation, Brian did a spider-walk down the stairs, opened the door, and vomited a warm, green liquid that looked kind of like pea soup.  When he started floating above Grant's bed, we knew what we had to do.  So we took him to McDonalds for a McRib.  And for some odd reason, that didn't work.  Then we realized where we had gone wrong.  So we played hopscotch for 7 hours.  But there was still no change in Brian.  Someone at the park said that Brian was possessed, and that we should get an Exorcist.

Well, we remembered that Olivia Newton John was really into exercising, since she sung that song "Let's Get Physical," so we called her.   She hung up.  After a few calls, (including Richard Simmons, Suzanne Somers, and Frank Zane, 5 time Mr. Universe...must stop watching infomercial for TorsoTrack) we had our exorcist: Steve Buscemi. (Really threw you for a loop, didn't I?  You probably thought I was going to say a famous fitness buff, or at least someone in good shape.  I sure fooled you.  Mwa, hah, hah!)  He said he would be coming in a few days.

So, Brian is tied to Grant's bed (don't worry, Grant's not in it at the same time) and we are waiting for Steve.  Will the comedic genius that played Oedipus Rex in Airheads be able to force the demon from Brian's body?  Will Grant find somewhere to sleep?  Will Eric be sued by William Peter Blatley (writer of THE EXORCIST) for copyright infringement?  Tune in next time.


Well, last time (almost 6 months ago, but let's pretend like it was a week) Brian was possessed, and we called Steve Buscemi to be his Exorcist.   When we walked in and told Brian, he said in a really weird voice "Exercise!   This body is not meant for exercise!"  Then he thumped on the bed for a while, and he passed out.  When he woke up the first thing he saw was Grant putting lipstick on Brian's own lips. (To this day, AJ and I have yet to figure it out.)  But after that, Brian was okay.  He went back to the old folk's home to quit, but they locked the doors and make him work 24 hours a day, cleaning dishes for $7.61 an hour.   We haven't heard from him in a while.

AJ and I were still unemployed, and Grant's ban from RIFTS for cheating wasn't over yet, so he wasn't bringing in money either.  AJ and I looked in the classifieds, realized we had forgotten how to read, and asked Grant to read it for us.   He ran through the stuff you expect to hear: "Make money by having sex with beautiful women, Make money sitting on your ass, $200 an hour for a study on blinking (eyelids not required)" yadda yadda yadda.  Then, we heard the dream job: Grave diggers.  We went down to try out, but AJ forgot the shovels.  Needless to say we lost the hole-digging contest (As well as a couple of fingernails and the remaining trails of self-respect).  Then I had a brilliant plan.  Beef-flavored Cola!   Then AJ had a better idea: we could open up our own graveyard, right in front of our house.

The only problem was, I am weak and take a long time to dig a good-sized hole.  So AJ claimed he had a great idea, so he went down in the basement and locked the door.  While he was down, Grant and I decided to make some prank phone calls.  We flipped through the phone book and pranked Francis Pham.  He picked up, and Grant made farting noises.  Good times.  Anyway, AJ came up after a week (we tied up Francis's phone line pretty much the whole week, and Grant was getting pretty creative toward the end) and he had what looked like a 6 foot ice cream scoop.  Then he pulled a Dremel out of his pocket.  He explained that the scoop was a personalized bit for the Dremel, and that it would dig holes twice as fast.  He plugged in the Dremel outside, then turned it on.  WWZZUUUUUSSSHH!  The bit flew out in a millisecond turning at 30,000 rpm.  I covered my head in fear, and the bit flew off into the sky.  If the sun suddenly explodes, blame AJ. (Or Canada, because you know those damn Canadians have got something up their sleeves, "Project 'Eh" or somesuch.)

Anyway, we only got one customer for our graveyard, and he only buried 11 people (Marilyn Monroe, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Bigfoot: None of these people wanted to do business with us) and then our yard was full.  Luckily, we made $400 dollars. (We kept the expenses low by burying the bodies in "It's A Boy!" wrapping paper) We took it and blew it on Sobe and grapefruit (it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now our house smells like Florida).  It was all good for about 15 minutes, then we all realized we hated grapefruits, so we had to think of other things to do with them.  AJ suggested setting up a stand down by the border (of Kentucky, that is), but we didn't have enough money for that.  Grant said that we could trade them to Toys-R'-Us for a Gameboy Color and the two new Zelda Gameboy games, and AJ and I couldn't resist throwing grapefruits at him.  And before we knew it, Grant was rolling around on the floor, screaming about citric acid in his eyes.  He then told us that he had secured a spot on the St.-X Volleyball Team, which paid $75 a game, but that he couldn't play blind.  Just then a piece of AJ's bit finally came down, hit Grant in the head and somehow fused his corneas and other eye-things back together, so he could see right fine. ("Right fine"?  Who the hell am I, Lee Marvin?)

Despite all of this, AJ and I were still unemployed.  Then, AJ found his calling, as a life insurance salesman.  He operated by going to a car dealership and pretending to be a salesman.  Then when someone asked for a test drive, he went out and peeled out at every stop sign, and cranked each car to the max. (Man, he got that used 1984 Geo Metro up to 65, even though the speedometer only went up to 40.  It was shaking and smoking.  Good times.  Even though I wasn't there.  He told me it was good times.  He did!  Don't call me a liar!) Then when the customer shakily exited the car, AJ slipped them his card (His name and number on a slice of grapefruit...maybe that's why the pens in his pockets were always so sticky) and they immediately took whatever they could get.  AJ's now bringing in around $1000 a week.

Anywho, AJ and Grant were easily making enough money to support us, and I was having a great time sitting on my ass and watching The Essence of Emeril...I mean, The Powerpuff Girls...I mean, Dawson's Creek...I mean, um, MONSTER TRUCKS!   Yeah, monster trucks!  Uh, continuing on...One day I was watching a lamb roast being glazed...I mean, A CAR BEING SMASHED, when the cable got cut off.  AJ and Grant said I had to pay for cable if I wanted it, so I immediately began looking for a job.   

I started wandering around town, and ended up at Lakota West High School with a plunger in my hand and a bucket of vile liquid in front of me.  That's right: I was the first male lunchlady.  During my lunchbreak, I left to go to the auditorium, where I saw a group of Seniors and Juniors (no sophomores, thank God) doing some sort of play.  I asked what was up, and one of the guys (about 5'9" with dark hair gelled forward) said "Get away from us, you filth-slopping, mashed-potato-plopping, fish-frying, hairnet-applying buttface!"  Since he took the time to complement me, I hung out and watched the show.  It was called the Medicine Show, and it went to elementary schools and told them not to do drugs.  It was kind of funny.  Unfortunately, the director yelled something about the drugs not turning around quick enough or something like that, and she stormed out.  Then there was the crisis: They were without a director.  

I stood up to go back to the cafeteria, but got my foot caught in every seat as I was walking to the aisle and tripped every time.  The group started laughing, and they appointed me co-director with this hot redhead girl.  I went to the lunchladies and said "Take this job and cram it, you burger-flinging, Ebola-bringing, gross-pizza-baking, flabby-ass shaking hags!"  Then I went back to the Med Show cast, and they told me that directors don't get paid.  I was upset, but as I left the building a Time Warner Cable satellite fell off the outside of the building and smashed off my seventh and sixth toes on my left foot (so now 5 on one foot and 5 on the other, how boring) and Time Warner Cable now gives me free cable for the rest of my life as long as I keep quiet.  So I didn't need a job anymore, and I could focus long term on the Med Show.   Unfortunately, it turned out that that meeting was the last for the year, so I won't actually get to work with them again until the beginning of the next school year. 

Pretty amazing how much I can write and yet achieve nothing, isn't it?

After I got cable back, I happened upon an interesting show called Iron Chef.  These Japanese people had to cook a full meal in an hour with a secret ingredient.  It was pretty cool.  Grant walked in and he said "Hey Eric, want to play Iron Chef?"  I was like "Yeah, yeah, domo arigato!"   "Okay," Grant said, "I'll be the chairguy and you be the Iron Chef.   And the secret ingredient is...GRAPEFRUIT!"  So I tried, but all I succeeded in doing in an hour was making a horrible sticky mess in the kitchen.   Grant tasted the one dish I had made, Cold Grapefruit Juice Soup with Pulp, and he told me to not quit my day job, AKA sitting around doing nothing.

Then I found another cool show on TV Land, the A Team, with Mr. T as B.A. Baracus along with Hannibal, Murdock, and Face (pussy).  I was like, Hey, that's awesome!  So I decided to form my own group, the E Team.  I'm the leader/Hannibal character (I wanted to be the T, but let's face it, I'm white and weak).   Grant is the 2nd-in-command/Face character, only he's not such a pathetic weakling.   AJ is the Mr. T character, even though he's not black (or Mexican), since he's the strongest of the group, and he's pretty good at pitying the fool.  I swear to God, if he tells me to drink my milk one more time, I'm going to clock him...okay, buy him a clock.  But it'll be low quality...well, not REALLY low quality, but certainly not a grandfather clock...that's too big.  

Anyway, Brian would complete the group and make a perfect Murdock, but like I said before, he was trapped in the old folk's home.  So I came up with a cockamamie scam to get him out, where I wear 5 different costumes that don't really disguise me, AJ uses welding tools to create a tank out of a rusted out Chevelle, and Grant runs around quoting movies and talking to a sock puppet.  We strike soon, so to see if we manage to get Brian out and complete the E Team, tune in for the next installment.

(P.S. Kudos to anyone who took the time to read all that.)

In the last episode, I decided to create my own crime-fighting force, the E-Team, with me as the Hannibal character, A.J. as the B.A. character, Grant as Face, and Brian as Murdock.  However, Brian was trapped in an old folk's home. (Kind of like Murdock stuck in the Mental Hospital).  So, I got on the Punk, Grant conned some guys out of a bus and a tractor engine, and AJ threw guys until we managed to get to Brian.  Of course, then he decided to stay there, since he like the food. (Crazy fool...no, wait, that's AJ's line)

Well, since we are getting free cable this month, we haven't gotten out of the house much.  AJ and Grant went to a convenience store, then they came back with 100 pounds of tortilla chips and 47 gallons of salsa.  I came home from driving down to Blockbuster to see why they hadn't called me about my application and found them passed out in a kiddie pool full of salsa, with chips rapidly mushifying.   Luckily they were fully clothed, but oddly they were wearing blue velvet tuxedos.   I didn't ask questions, but, I wonder....

Other than that the week has been fairly normal.  Except for the appearance of Grant's psychic powers.  On Tuesday we were hanging out, and Grant was like "So, AJ, what have you been doing?  Still going out with Nusha? (Name changed to protect innocent)."  AJ was like "No, but maybe later."   Grant was like "Oh, you know what that means, you'll be dating her again soon."  We all had a good chuckle, but then less than a week later, AJ was going out with her again.  It was weird.

This formed a problem, since I had long considered myself the psychic of the group, since I was always calling what would happen in movies and stuff like that.  I remembered this one time we were walking out of the movie theater, and AJ was like "Yeah, my dad got [some kind of car that isn't totally awesome]" and I was like "It could have been worse, he could have gotten...(thinking of a crappy brand of car)..a BUICK!"  Then AJ was like "Dude, that was the other kind of car he was seriously looking at getting."  Anyway, yeah, so now there were opposing psychic forces in the house.  So we had to have a psychic duel.

AJ thought that if he was also psychic, we could all just settle things peacefully, so he started trying to be psychic.  When he realized he had no natural psychic-ness (sorry man, you don't), he started faking it.  He would watch movies where a bomb was counting down, and when it said "0:07" he would say "Here comes 0:06."  And the lame thing was that half the time he said anything, the camera would go away from the bomb and return when it read "0:05," so he really didn't get it.  At any rate, the battle was necessary.

Grant and I began with easy tricks, like telling when the world would end...well, telling when the digital clock would advance..ok,first we just took turns trying to read a clock with hands.  HEY, IT'S HARDER TO DO THAN IT SOUNDS!!   Then we moved it up a step, with AJ being the number guy as we guessed numbers between one and a million, alternating turns until one of us got the right number.   We actually only tried this once, and we got bored with it after 4 minutes, but I think that was a psychic test in and of itself, because I predicted we would get bored after 4 minutes, and Grant guessed 6 minutes...that's not from his mouth, but it seems right...please don't tell him I said this, let it be our secret.  Then AJ popped in a movie neither me nor Grant had seen, and told us to predict as many lines and stuff as we could.  This was my area of expertise, and I'm pretty sure I could have beaten Grant, but it was such a cruddy movie that we both agreed that it stank, and shook hands, forgetting all about the battle, but leaving AJ's ego a little bruised.

Well, what with the World Trade Center bombing, there have been a lot of mixed opinions floating around the school.  However, my friend Bill and I had a lot of similar ideas (which you can read in Bin Laden Bummed), so I invited him over to talk.  Somehow, he ended up moving in.  He keeps the house clean, for the most part, and thus far he's been an okay housemate.  He's a real clown, like me, so we've been thinking of something funny I could write and he could star in, with AJ co-directing.   He didn't outwardly show any psychic abilities, so we dodge that bullet.  We formed our own group, called the PEOPLE STUCK IN SMART-PEOPLE CLASSES THAT WERE LULLED INTO SLACKERDOM BY EASY ADVANCED CLASSES WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER (or PSIS-PCTWLISBEACWTWY.)   We couldn't decided who would be president and vice-president, so we had a spinning-around contest until we both got sick at the same time and just decided we would be co-presidents.

A while back we had this lame homecoming lunch thing, which always sucks, but this year was different.  I hang out with a guy called Aaron McGuinnes (name changed to protect innocent).  First it started off bad, but then it started raining and things picked up.  Everyone had to go inside and attend a gay pep rally, but we stayed outside and picked up trash.  And somehow it was fun.   Aaron gave me a ride home after school, and then he moved in too.

Well, the house is getting more crowded than ever, and for the first time I'm not ending the episode with a cliffhanger in the plot.  This should be good enough to bring people back one more time:

[The next episode of Trouble Amongst the Co-Workers will probably be the last.  In recognition of this, I will be putting on the back-stories of TAtCW that I have saved (unfortunately I only started saving around 2 or 3 years ago, so I don't have all of them, but I have a good amount).  Expect the last episode to be fairly long, and this section might go un-updated for a while in preparation for the final episode.  Thank you.]